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Behold and Be Held

“There is a community of the spirit.
Join it, and feel the delight
of walking in the noisy street
and being the noise.

Drink all your passion and be a disgrace.
Close both eyes to see with the other eye.
Open your hands if you want to be held…

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking
Live in Silence.
Flow down and down, 
In always widening rings of being.’

Rumi

To behold and be held, this is the rapturous state. When bird songs from afar quiver within the embrace of your expansive heart. Intimacy with all things. A closeness that forgets there was once two. With arms open, behold the grand song and dance. With restful eyes, be held by the arms of space Herself. Dwell in the ocean of wakefulness. Behold the glory, be held in grace.

This universe is a swirl of containing and contained, though the churning liquid knows no boundaries. Where do I end and you begin? Where is within, where is without? To be full, become empty. No one home. Release into the arms of the beloved where the soothing song of a silent lullaby will warm your soul. Little by little, loosen the grip. A closed hand grasps the acorn, an open hand grasps the infinite. It is the open hand of God that holds you and leaves you free to wander as you please.

Wander home, wander home. The stillness within holds the treasure you seek. The radiant star that lights the cosmos, individuated but not separate. The light from within and the light from without are the same. The ghost that whispers of “me” and “mine” clings to the phantasmagoria. But no one’s home, no one’s home.

No one’s home because we are the home. We are the field, we are the play of light. Shed the heavy shackles of “I am this” and “I am that”. Who are you before you know who you are? Hush, listen slowly my dear. Give up the search, the answer is not hidden in the brush. Face to face with eternal presence. Free falling, no ground beneath. The way to become weightless is to fall eternally. Down, down, heed the call of our mother earth, for us to return to Her.

You can never be alone. You are held by the endless embrace. Behold and be held. See and be seen. Listen and speak, sigh and creek, like the wise old willow who dances in the wind. We can dance too, our spirits free to drift along with the breeze. Oh lovely child of the Ultimate, do you remember? Do you remember where we come from? Do you remember where we’re going?

To behold and be held, the two sides of God’s face reflected in every dew drop. Feel yourself from the outside in. We are not bound up in this narrow prison. Give yourself up, the ultimate release. Bring death to each moment to find your peace. Can you hear it? The thick, swelling silence? Marinate, steep, dissolve, expand. Come home to your soul, bear the blinding light and don’t turn away from the deepest darkness. Dive in, go deeper, deep deep deep down till you lose the seeker.

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Breath of the Violin

We become hypnotized, really; by all the flashing lights, the attention grabbing displays. We are creatures of habit. What are your habits, creature? Are you, like me and so many others, drawn into the incessant, urgent and unquenchable thirst for stimulation? When is the last time you took a shit without looking at your phone? When is the last time you ate a meal without watching or listening to some form of media. When is the last time you woke up in the morning and sat quietly looking at the sunbeams filtering through the leaves outside your window and igniting dust particles like tiny suns.

No, I wake up and I open up instagram. Scroll, scroll, scroll, waiting for the dreariness to fade so that I can finally end the “okay NOW it’s really time to get up” cycle. Take hold of your attention! The way you point your attention is the way you create your future. If the hand molds clay, attention molds the spirit. Are you fixated on fantasies of past and future? I mean RIGHT NOW, are you living in the narrative or is your attention engaged with the entirety of this moment, this moment, as the wind of possibility blows through the flute of your body-mind, as you hold your physical form, slouched and deflated, or tall and dignified. As you furrow your brow, scrunch up your forehead, clench your jaw, and pull your shoulders up and in as if frightened by a night that is too dark and deep.

In breath, out breath, the violin bow that plays your part in the symphony of life. What tone will you sound? Will your melody quiver with the uncertainty of a timid wanderer in foreign lands? Or will your draw be long and smooth, calling out into the endless sea with whispers of love. Will you open up to the unknown, sound the strange and unfamiliar sounds with the peaked curiosity of discovery in full swing?

It’s a wide world and the steps you take are yours. They are all you have really, possessions crumble but the song you sing echoes in the hearts of all you touch and our hearts hold the memory of the evolution of life on this planet. The trauma, the loss, the rage of self preservation, the lessons missed but also the lessons learned. The moments of strength when a soul chose love instead of fear, when the energy of new life and new possibilities overcame the drudgery of conditioning, the momentum of misery.

It’s the little things. It’s those small moments where if you quiet down enough you can hear the whisper “this is important”. When you cough out the words “I love you” to your brother, even though they got stuck in your throat. When you close the laptop and take a step outside for the first time in the day, even though the animal in you that has been seeking comfort and security in the familiar for millenia begs for you to stay under the blanket. When you hold your tongue instead of speaking with reactive anger.

It is with each outbreath that we birth our actions. The energy of new possibilities moves through our conscious and subconscious mind to manifest in action. Our thoughts open up into our lived reality, like a plant sprouting from a seed pod. The astute gardener is careful not to allow weeds to take hold. Like a climbing ivy, self-destructive behaviors crawl in and steal the light of new growth. A fresh you cannot be born when your energy is tied up in patterns that don’t serve you.

Plant seeds of self-love, patience and compassion then reach towards the light. Stretch towards your vision of what could be and be filled with gratitude. Stretch beyond yourself, relax the imagined boundary that places “you” inside your skin and “the world” out there. You are more mixed up in this whole thing than you might think. Through you, the voice of what-is is calling. But don’t squeeze the handle bars, lift up your arms like wings, put on a full body smile, and lean in the direction you want to go.

This world will carry you to your wildest fantasy and beyond. You don’t have to dream big, but dream freely. Dream like you’re a painter and the canvas is all yours. Dream like you lost yourself, then go to the place you would want to find yourself, and there you will be. Dream like the forest is full of mystery and wonder and no one really knows what could be out there. Because it is, and we don’t.

We all put on a face like we know what we are doing. None of us really know what we are doing. We all remember when we realized our parents are just as confused and baffled as the rest of us. When will we admit that we don’t know? We don’t know what we’re doing here. We don’t know how, or why or from where this wild stormy existence sprang.

But here we are, let’s take charge! Let us choose kindness, let us remain open to the life-long lessons of self-care. Let us embrace the furthest reaches of our power to create, to give birth to a new moment, a new way to be here, alive. Evolution is in our hands, on the wings of imagination we will soar to new heights. And poised aloft in this celestial kingdom, we will shine the light of love across all the lands.

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Internal Triggers for State Shift

‘Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me.’

Jesus Christ

I think a lot of what holds us back from enacting big changes in our lives (changes in relationships, or internal state changes as examples) is that we have a subconscious expectation that some significant external change is necessary to trigger that state shift.

Normally when we move from one powerful emotional state to another, it is accompanied by some significant change in our external circumstances. Maybe I was very happy and peaceful in my meditation then a lawnmower started up and triggered some tension in my chest (resistance to things as they are), maybe someone bumps into me and knocks my ice cream off it’s cone. In any case, when we want to enact great changes in our internal state we seem to depend on some great change in our environment.

It is reasonable that when I am feeling cold, I could go inside or put on a warm jacket. These are material answers to material conditions. But when it comes to emotional states, we should not always look to the material plane for change. For instance, maybe I got a bad grade on a test or perform poorly at work and am feeling ashamed. I might feel compelled to remain in that emotional state until I improve my performance on the next test or at the next performance meeting. The most empowering thing to realize is that a beautiful state of being is available in every moment.

That means that in the deep well of that shame, when you are completely overtaken by a self-deprecating perspective, you have the power to ignite a raging fire of self love whose light will wash away the darkness that consumes you. This type of shift is the meaning of internal alchemy: the ability to bend the energies within ourselves. When we realize that we have the power to shift our own internal states, we stop giving our power away to external conditions.

But how does one go about wrenching the attention away from this all consuming shame? The first thing is to accept how you feel. It is painful to feel shame (or guilt, fear, anger, etc), but what is more painful is feeling ashamed that you are feeling ashamed, feeling angry that you are feeling angry, feeling guilty that you are feeling guilty. Do you see how the judgement creeps in and colors our experience? So step one is to accept how you are feeling, to align yourself with where you are in this moment and realize that it’s okay to feel what you are feeling.

It is only from this stance of acceptance and understanding that we will have the balance and groundedness necessary to start to redirect attention. The spotlight of attention is also the spotlight of creation. Already feeling the relief granted from accepting your current state, you can now gently direct your attention elsewhere. There are many strategies to apply here and I would recommend you follow your intuitions in any moment.

An example from stoicism is negative visualization. You can imagine all sorts of terrible things that could befall you that haven’t in order to cultivate gratitude for the current state of things. You might imagine a life where your sibling was killed, you got cancer and became a quadriplegic. From that place, to be teleported into the exact moment you are in now would be the greatest blessing one could imagine. In other words, the intensity with which we feel negative or positive about our current circumstance is not absolute but relative.

The point I want to drive home here is that we can’t sit around waiting for life to change in a way that will give us permission to change the way we feel or act. Don’t wait for some event to trigger shifts in your internal states, consider developing internal triggers to help you shift into beautiful states more readily.

Mantras can really shine here. I won’t get carried off on a tangent but suffice it to say that the spoken word has much more power than we give it credit for. So repeating mantras like “I am safe” gently and compassionately to yourself or out loud can have a profound impact on feelings like anxiety. “I am enough”, “I am grateful for the sunshine on my face”.

Beyond that you can try putting a soft smile on your face and shifting your posture to be more erect. Feel into your body and consciously relax. Drop your shoulders down and back, let go of the tension in your Jaw and throat. It is often surprising to discover how much tension we hold without even noticing it.

The world is a wild and chaotic place and it is important to recognize that. I often wonder how the ant, who is perpetually an instant away from being crushed by an indifferent shoe, can get on with it’s life. As I lay there, watching him scurry around, I admire his focus and willingness to live despite impending doom. We are much like that ant, constantly on the edge of destruction.

Until we spend the time and energy contemplating the inevitability of our own death, we will hold onto the anxiety which is a manifestation of the unwillingness to be destroyed. To live life fully, unencumbered by doubt and fear, we have to be willing to die, and to keep dying in each moment so that we can be born anew, fresh and ready to willingly participate in the life we have been given.

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How Do I Fix These Imperfections?

‘Since beginningless time, darkness has thrived in the void, but always yields to purifying light.’

The Lion-Turtle

I often find myself wondering what it really means to help someone. Because I have poured significant time and energy into personal growth, I have been exposed to a variety of extremely helpful insights from wise teachers of ancient and modern times. So when a friend comes to me in need, what is the most effective way to help them? This is a process I am still evolving through and at my current phase, I am focusing on a wonderfully simplifying practice. Listening with loving-kindness.

Upon reflection, I have noticed that it is easy for me to get into fix-it mode. After all, that is what I do when I am facing a challenge internally, I investigate my way down to the root of the issue to understand it and unlock its grasp on me. There are many wise techniques and mindsets I have discovered that help facilitate this process. So I often find myself saying “try this!” or “what if you look at it this way!” While I feel there is a place for this kind of guidance, I am finding more and more the importance of quieting down and simply holding a compassionate space where they can move through their own process.

It can be very easy to notice “flaws” in the way that others behave or think. We can forget that even when others are in pain and confused, it is only the wisdom within themselves that can guide them forwards. Most of the time, it seems to me, the best way to help them heal is to give the gift of unconditional love; love that doesn’t grasp at who they are or push them to who they could become. 

The healing power of acceptance is mysterious and powerful. I think fear and doubt hold us back from this. The fear that if we accept who we are or who they are, we will never really change, if we allow ourselves to be just as we are, we will have to acknowledge and live with all our imperfections. Herein lies another great paradox of being, only through relentless acceptance does change really come. 

Part of the mechanism behind this counterintuitive truth lies in the subtle affirmation that comes with denying something. When I say “don’t think of a pink elephant!” we all know where the mind goes. So when I say “if only I could stop being so judgemental of my body!” or “I want to let go of this depression, I am ready! Please!” I am subtly strengthening the position of that which I hope to move beyond. I am affirming that I do not love my body, or that I am depressed.

This is a very funny game we play with ourselves. If someone were to come and tell us “you are choosing to feel depressed” we would be outraged! We know, with certainty, that we want to stop feeling depressed, that we have tried and failed over and over. How dare they suggest it is a choice! But it is that very certainty that keeps us locked up.

So when working with our own emotions, instead of pouring our energy into opposing things as they are, it is essential that we accept the way we feel. We must allow ourselves to be as we are. This is loving-kindness, it is acceptance despite all the imperfection. Something really quite magical happens when we simply (not easily, but simply) allow ourselves to fully feel what we are feeling, to no longer deny or oppose. We start to heal!

It happens naturally and effortlessly because love is underneath all of our opinions and positions. The universe is loving and healing at it’s foundation. Think about it, do you know how you heal a cut on your finger? Not even a little. Every corpuscule of our being is filled with healing light and when we allow ourselves to be as we are, we bring the loving spaciousness necessary for that light to shine.

So when I am with a friend or family member or stranger, I am working to bring more of that loving-kindness into my heart. To see them as they are and accept that they are in the right place on their path of development. The pain that people hold comes to them through the infinite dance of time, it is not our place to judge them or try to fix them. Only when they feel loved will they find the space they need to heal from within.

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Sickness Within is Sickness Without

‘If you want to awaken all of humanity then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering of the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative within yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.’

Lao Tzu

Growth and self-discovery is an endless process composed of moments of honesty and vulnerability with oneself and others. Our culture demonizes giving ourselves attention as “selfish”, missing that we can only bring love into the world when we are overflowing within ourselves.

From my limited perspective, the “how can we fix this broken world” mentality is misguided. The world is not a machine with a broken cog. It is made of spirit. It is made of your spirit, and mine. Hatred and anger is a sickness that corrupts our souls. And real injustice is the greatest temptation towards hatred and rage.

MLK Jr. knew “darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” What we need is irrational forgiveness and compassion. We can’t wait for a reason to believe in love, we have to choose it. Reason will see our mistakes and the mistakes of others in the light of what is right and wrong. From this vantage point, it becomes easy to demonize ourselves and others.

We cannot love ourselves or others completely until we understand that we have acted from a place of ignorance and fear when we have caused pain. To forgive ourselves is to see our imperfections openly and compassionately, realizing that what we regret could instead become fuel to propel us towards the best versions of ourselves.

“Hurt people hurt people.” To recognize this will help bring patience and compassion into our hearts when we perform or witness wrongdoing. It can be especially difficult when we act in opposition to our own understanding of what is right. It is essential to realize that the process of integration is a long and challenging one. Even when we have insights about the nature of kindness and interconnectedness, destructive patterns of action and thought persist from the past, patterns of pain and trauma that has traveled across generations. We must remain patient in the midst of our confusion.

When people do harm to others, it’s because their pain is overflowing. All behavior that does harm comes from insecurity and fear. The only way to heal that in someone is to love them despite the hurt they cause. To recognize that we all have pain and fear in our hearts is the first step to cultivating compassion and forgiveness.

If we can feel that we have permission to take care of ourselves, we can heal. And when we heal we can bring our natural and radiant selves to the world. We are each a piece of this reality so to heal ourselves IS to heal the planet. We are not on the planet, we are of the planet, just like the birds and bees and clouds and trees. We are not other than nature and our sickness within is the sickness without.